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Benny R - unplugged! (The Untold Story)
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Date: Thu Mar 14 12:03:29 1996
Subject: Benny R - unplugged! (The Untold Story)
BENNY RABBIT UNPLUGGED!
(The Untold Story)
KEY BISCAYNE, FLORIDA (AP) ---March 14, 1996--- Sources deep within
PETBUNNY, confirmed by The National Enquirer, acknowledged today
that the massive pile of boulders found along Interstate 95 are *not*
debris from an out-of-orbit asteroid which entered the Earth's
atmosphere and slammed into the roadside, as first suspected.
It now appears that they are gi-normous "poops" deposited by a local
resident, Benny Rabbit, whose litter was recently changed from fast-
clumping clay to CareFresh. The latter, a pulp-paper product, has
"accelerated" the GI tract of the said lagomorph to Mach 5 speed,
effectively "unplugging" her after 2 years of stasis and bloat.
"Whew, what a relief!" exclaimed the Lapine suspect. "I was munching
some Timothy hay in my litterbox when, all of the sudden, I felt
intense internal pressure, a rumbling inside, and..."
Witnesses reported hearing a terrific explosion, similar to an
earthquake or a break in a natural gas main, jsut prior to the
shower of unidentified objects.
"Eee-yewww!" shrieked a neighbor, Bunny Bun, with her paws drawing
her long ears down over her eyes. "I raced for cover in the corner
of my pen, but it was too late", she sobbed. "My Easter bonnet had
just been cleaned and pressed! [sniff] Whatever will I do?"
The aromatic projectiles had a slight coating of grey on their
outside surfaces, suggestive of a clay powder heat shield.
"But *perfectly* spherical, with a soft chewy alfalfa center!"
asserted the primary suspect.
"Whooom!" shouted two excited teenage boys down the hall, Charcoal
and Ash. "It was, like, one of those rad movies about, like,
you know, Mount St. Helens, that I read about on the Web, Dude."
Key Biscayne city officials noted that it was the tell-tail tracks
of a 'morph that made them abandon their earlier asteroid/comet/
meteorite theories. Their suspicions turned towards an animal.
"We thought we had a Big Foot or Yeti creature loose on the Key",
shuddered one official. The FBI laboratory analysis of the
boulders at the crime scene revealed that their primary content
was carrot tops. "Thus, whatever being was terrorizing South Florida,
it was clearly not extraterrestial."
"Duh", was the suspect's immediate response.
She remains in the custody of her litterbox, without bale [of hay],
until the situation (and her GI tract) clears.
"Miami now qualifies for federal disaster relief funds, but all I
get is a syringe of Phazyme (pediatric anti-gas formula) and solitary
confinement. HaRUMPH!", said the disgruntled rabbit.
...Stay tuned for further details as they "emerge"...
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