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(Just when you thought it was safe...)
KEY BISCAYNE, FLORIDA (PB) ---Monday, April 1, 1996--- Metro Dade lifeguards, responding to reports of bloody carnage offshore of Key Biscayne, have confirmed today that the Atlantic Ocean has become infested with a new menace, an animal so *terrifying* that the bathers who manage to scamper out of the water in time to escape a certain, horrifying death can only mutter under their trembling breath, "A ch... ch... ch... CHARRRRRRK!"
"This vicious creature makes Jaws looks like the Rubber Ducky in your bathtub." shuddered the Key Biscayne Police Chief, "The look of last-minute terror frozen onto the faces of the victims gives me the chills." *This* from a man who regularly consumes 6 strawberry-frosted Dunkin' Donuts per day.
"I was like, ya know, paddlin' on my board, Dude," explained one young surfer who, incredibly, escaped the onslaught, "when I saw these two giant furry *ears* protruding out of the water! The beast slashed through my ankle leash, then snarfed down my 'glass stick. I did notice one thing though, Dude - there were pieces of carrot tops lodged in-between its teeth." The official police report notes that the surfer used cilantro scented surf wax on his board.
There were unconfirmed rumors from local, as yet unnamed, beach bunnies, who insist they heard a voice in the distance cry out just prior to the attack, "Surf's up and it's the Big Kahuna, Dude! Ha-ha-ha!!!"
Witnesses reported seeing the beast earlier in the day "swimming" through the lush pile carpeting of a nearby condominium and attacking a Bissell carpet sweeper. "Oh, my Lord!" shrieked a blue-haired lady down the hall, "The monster sunk his fangs deep into the rubber skirt of the carpet sweeper, I heard a ripping sound, then he tore the brushes out and spat them out onto the floor. I feel faint. Where's my heart medication? Oh, dear!"
An Emergency Medical Technician from Metro Fire Rescue tried desperately to revive the carpet sweeper but it was too late. "NOT a pretty sight, I'm afraid. We rarely see such destruction unless it's from an evil, supernatural perpetrator. Such an expensive model, too. It's just so sad..."
PETBUNNY wire services, assisted by The National Enquirer, will continue to monitor the developing situation, including a lead that that the notorious "chark" beast could actually be an adolescent 'morph named Charcoal Rabbit...
...THUMP-THUMP-THUMP-THUMP...THUMP-THUMP-THUMP-THUMP...
[furry ears emerge from the depths below]
© Copyright 1999-2002 by the Charcoal & Ash Rescue Koalition
All Rights Reserved.
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