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Legend of the CHARKacabra
"The Oat Sucker"
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"In the oat field, the quiet oat field,
the CHARKacabra stalks tonight.
In the oat field, the rustling oat field,
the CHARKacabra snarfs tonight.
A-wheem a-whep, a-wheem a-whep, a-woo hoo-hoo..."
- Old hay farmers' folk song.
Dodge City, Kansas (PB) -- State agriculture officials confirmed today that a *horrible* plague which has ravaged hay farms throughout the Great Plains of the US is probably *not* the result of an outbreak of boll weevils, as originally suspected, but rather the work of a mysterious, supernatural being -- a creature with the power of 10,000 harvesting combines. The plague is characterized by wide swaths cut through only the finest fields of oats and alfalfa, while acres of Timothy hay remain unscathed.
"First, there is a buzzing sound, like a swarm of locusts descending from the heavens," sighed the hay farmer, "then you feel a sharp drop in the barometric pressure in your ears. You just watch helplessly as your entire year's harvest of oat hay is vacuumed away, sucked up the creature's snout in a matter of minutes." His knees trembled, and his spirit seemed broken, snapped like the delicate top of a fledgling oat seedling. NOT a pretty sight.
Rumors have spread like wildfire that this rampant annihilation marks the reappearance of the legendary CHARKacabra (aka Charcoal Rabbit), the so-called "oat sucker", a beast so hideous and feared that farmers toss their pitchforks into the air and run screaming from their fields at the mere mention of his name. "Oh my God, no! Not the CH, CH, CH, ... CHARK!!!"
"Seems to be attracted by the cows' mooing," offered one laborer, who witnessed the decimation firsthand.
"The **buzzing** noise is caused by its long, porcupine whiskers cutting through the hay like a gigantic harvester," he asserted. "I've seen them blades spinnin' at 72,000+ rpm -- a thousand machettes swingin' through the air at once! Makes the movie Twister look like a cartoon about swizzle sticks."
In other sightings witnesses swear that, once he reaches the corner of an oat plot, the whiskers on one side of the creature's face reverse direction to optimize the cutting process. "Wish my John Deere combine could do that!" exclaimed one farmer, in obvious awe of the supernatural shredder.
One fieldhand panicked when he saw the CHARKacabra's tell-tail swath opening directly in front of him through a field of alfalfa. "The thing hit the oat silo like a furry, two-eared torpedo!" he shrieked. "There was this big grinding noise of a gargantuan grist mill, then POOF! The top of the silo popped off like a champagne cork."
Out hopped the CHARKacabra, grinning like the pilgrim on the Old Fashioned Quaker Oats box. He shook the oat hay stalks from his black-tipped ears. A macabre, shrill laughter filled the air.
"On to Evansville, Indiana!" he was heard to shout with glee. "My teeth seem to have dulled a bit ... bet I can sharpen them up by neutering a certain school principal who sponsors rabbit hunts -- S L O W L Y -- sans isoflurane gas, of course." Then he binkied off into the sunset.
So, if you hear a rustling amongst the oat seedlings outside your bedroom window as the clock strikes midnight... be afraid. Be VERY afraid. Keep your hands away from its mouth (and *something else* if you are that certain school principal).
"Down in Evansville, quiet Evansville,
the CHARKacabra stalks tonight.
Down in Evansville, sleepy Evansville,
the CHARKacabra *snips* tonight.
A-wheem a-whep, a-wheem a-whep, a-woo ouch-ouch..."
- Old vet tech's folk song.
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