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How the Chark Hosed Gillette
(with apologies to Dr. Seuss)
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The Gillette CEO liked his profits a lot.
But the Chark, to whom green meant cilantro, did NOT!
The Chark *hated* Gillette, the whole product line.
Slaves [1], sans cosmetics, to him smelled just fine.
Underarm hair can be braided, in a classic French style.
Blush is for roses, deodorant is vile.
Burning holes in rabbits' eyes, with chemicals that maim,
Is senseless cruel torture, it shows lack of brain.
The Chark pondered this, his whiskers a-buzz.
They vibrated, they twitched; a philosopher he was!
"A human-centric world seems to me doomed to fail -
A mere evolutionary blip on the geologic time scale.
Man's poisoned the Earth, destroyed its whole rhythm.
Just hope he doesn't take 10,000 species with him!"
When the Chark thought of this pure Russian Roulette,
He realized he MUST hose down Gillette.
So he called the Tough Buns [2] to fashion a trap.
Bunnicula, Winston, Flash, Max, Shredder, Mr. Crap,...
"We've got to act fast, let's hop to it, Mates!
We'll crash the lab's [false sense of] security (TM) gates!" [3]
"But first a disguise, a lab coat would work.
Cut a hole for our tails, we'll fool the dumb jerks."
The 'morphs jumped onto the bed and ripped the slaves' sheets.
"Now we're sharpe Bun DuPonts with furry Seuss feets!"
"Why my hard working guard," the fake scientists lied,
"Your zipper's undone, you'd better go hide."
"Run to the bathroom, and fix it quite fast.
But first wave us rab-, uh, lab techs right past."
So our hero Tough Buns snuck into Gillette HQ,
And only got stuck for a moment or two.
When Flash's lab coat slipped up over her tail,
A macho technician wolf-whistled and wailed.
Flash batted her eyes, **wink**wink** with contempt,
"Careful, you slime, I'll sue for hare-ass-ment!"
"Henry," a goose-faced bio-nerd told Crap,
"You haven't shaved in a week and your teeth have a gap."
"I've got whisk-, er, skin burn, you stoopid dope.
If you don't shut your yap, I'll shred your stethoscope."
Into the CEO's office, the Tough Bun militia did burst.
"Hey, you triple-chinned toad, YOU are the worst!"
The buns tied him down on his executive desk,
Administered him an LD-99.9 test. [4]
"We've got a fragrance for you, you heartless louse."
They hosed, spritzed, and sprayed; forced cecal pellets down his mouth.
"Soup du Jour!" cried Bunnicula, with utter glee.
"Here's 38 gallons of Bunny Berry Tea!" [5]
Max shoved a can of Foamy where the sun doesn't shine.
"Do you prefer regular, menthol, or lime?"
Shredder proceeded to rip up his pants.
The femme fatale binkied and did her Flash dance.
She left pearls of poop on his shiny bald head.
The groaning old f_rt wished he were dead.
Then the Lapine gang rushed down the lab hall,
To free all their pals from their torture stalls.
The buns *trashed* the plant, they laid it to rest,
Saving future buns from a life of painful tests.
Out thundered the herd, to the forests nearby.
But Charky looked back, a tear of joy in his eye.
"Mission accomplished for all Tough Buns,
Though fragile and small, we have power as ONE!"
----- The End -----
or
The Beginning?
NOTES:
[1] "Slaves" are people who are owned by their bunnies.
[2] "Tough Buns" are pet rabbits with an attitude. They
are full of mischief. When you don't pay enough
attention to them, they eat computer/telephone
cords, dig/shred the carpet, munch the TV remote
control's buttons, etc., then act like perfect angels.
Bunnicula, Winston, Flash, Max, Shredder, Mr. Crap et
al. are famous Tough Buns on the PETBUNNY listserver.
[3] "[false sense of] security (TM)" - Tough Buns lull
you into a false sense of security before destroying
something in your house.
[4] "LD" stands for "lethal dose". In an LD-50 test, 50%
of the laboratory animals are killed from an experimental
dosage of medication.
[5] Bunny Berry Tea is a mixture of bunny cecal pellets
(unprocessed poop - full of vitamins, minerals, and
beneficial bacteria) and water which is used to
re-establish the natural intestinal flora in sick bunnies
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